Letter To My Future Husband: Suicide, Not Murder

Dear Future Husband

You remember that okay piece I told you about that got my brother excited? That’s what I’m about to share now. It was the first piece grace got on Linda Ikeji’s blog. Awwww.

Family and friends who I trust to be honest to me (even when it hurts) made this my favourite piece of 2015.

What’s you two kobo on the piece, the issues raised, everything?

Dear Future Husband,

There is something about me you must never forget: I am not in any way irresponsible. As a daughter, my parents never worried when they left me alone with my younger siblings. As a girl, the windows were never dusty, dirty plates did not sit in the kitchen till the next meal and I didn’t burn my chicken or plantain. As a student, I never blamed a C grade on the lecturer without asking myself if I truly deserved it. As a graduate, I never blamed my unemployment on the economy knowing that same economy had royalties who were not so by blood. As a friend, I don’t transfer the blame for any quarrel without humbly accepting my own fault in it. As a lady, I make my own money, spend on well-defined priorities and never wake up in a random man’s room at noon hungover.

And so you will see, dear husband, that I am very meticulous and do well to take responsibility for my actions and inactions. You may not have sensed that tinge of an extremist but I am very sorry to inform you that I fear that I could be, not always, mind you, an extremist and it is that extremist me I write to explain to you.

I will go out of my way to please you. I could become a partner when you need a helpmate, a nanny for a mother, a loyalist for a friend, a servant for a housewife, a whore for a lover. I could choke you with the love I have harboured in my heart for years (even without knowing you) but be rest assured that I would always give you mouth-to-mouth kisses to resuscitate you if you be overwhelmed. I would be such a good wife that even hell will attest I deserve a good husband. A good husband…that would only be fair.

I do not demand you be an extremist husband. Oh no. Just be a good husband. Simple. In case you think “good husband” too ambiguous a description, do consider the following illustration. You can get angry and yap and yell at me – I’m human, not perfect – but never you raise a finger to hit me. We can go to the zoo or game reserves as much as you please to see wild animals but we don’t need one at home. You can chivalrously compliment beautiful ladies – I don’t kid myself to be Miss World – but don’t you ever, in the slightest way, defy our conjugal bond. You can raise our children with laws and acts or even flexible decrees you deem fit – they’ll be yours as they’ll be mine – but never let the devil put ideas of any form of harassment in your nice big head. You can have your carefully chosen flaws – “My angel” is your pet name but your nature is still human – but, I pray you, choose them well. There are many hazards of a bad husband but I hope these ones mentioned illustrate a perfect picture.

The thing is, dearest husband, if you do any of those things I pray and have begged against, the responsible me would weep in search of my fault in it. Should she find none (as is likely), my extremist alter ego will respond promptly. On a good day, she will put an ingredient in your tea that will make you sleep deeply for her to carry you to our matrimonial bed. By the time you wake, you will be so weak that even your loudest scream would be no more audible than the faintest whisper.

Because she is my alter ego, I cannot say what would happen after you wake. What I can say is she will not fail to teach you that there are certain punishments worse than death. I hope it never comes to that. I deeply pray it doesn’t come to that. But if you ever see my alter ego and her extremism hastens your death, then it means you were all at once blind, dumb and deaf to this prayerful letter. Such death, my dearest, cannot be termed murder but suicide.

With love,

Your Future Wife.

Image Source: Chelseacrockett.com




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